How to handle your child’s fear of the dark & things that go bump in the night
Don’t Panic!
When your child develops a new fear, it can send parents into a bit of a panic - especially when it happens seemingly overnight! While the development of new fears is often linked to a specific event (like my irrational fear of birds coming from a pigeon flying into my head while walking in the city as a child- ha!) fear of the dark is generally regarded as a developmental milestone rather than a reaction to a traumatic or stressful event.
Where the fear originates
When your child is a baby and toddler, they live perpetually in the present. We see this in their reactions to games like peek-a-boo as babies, and in their meltdowns over having to wait in toddlerhood. The future, the past, and things outside of view simply don’t hold weight in their developing minds. Your child’s fear of the dark shows that they now understand that just because they can’t see something, or understand it fully, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Compounded with their new understanding of the world, is your child’s limitless imagination and confusion about the division between reality and make believe. Suddenly, there could be unseen things in the dark, and their imagination can take over to create things that feel very real. Their imagination and this huge step in their development is something to be celebrated, but their fear of the dark or spooky things lurking in dark corners should be addressed swiftly and as gently as possible. Your reaction will determine how they cope with this new understanding of the world.
Be clear in your messaging
Children look to their parents for guidance in all aspects of their early life. If you as a caregiver play into their fears at all - even little joking comments- it can create a lasting impact on their feelings of safety when you are not near. When your child expresses an illogical or irrational fear, they look to you for confirmation that either everything is fine, or that they in fact have a reason to be afraid. It’s important to not just tell your child that everything is okay and that there is nothing to fear but to really show them. If your child requests that you check under the bed or in the closet for monsters and you do, this might make them feel better in the moment but imagine it from their perspective:
“Mommy I’m scared, can you check under my bed for monsters?”
“Of course sweetie.” Mom looks under the bed, pops back up and says “No monsters!”
Your little one will think (in not so many words) mommy checked under the bed because monsters could be under there. Even if she says they’re not real, she wouldn’t need to check if it wasn’t possible, so my fears are logical.
This isn’t to say you should brush your child’s fears off. While the thing they fear may not be real, their feelings of fear are very real and should be treated sensitively.
Can you talk through it?
Talking to your child about their fears and letting them express what worries them is an important part of resolving the issue. You can reassure your child that you understand that the thought of monsters in the dark is really scary, and share that you had a similar fear when you were a child as well. This helps your child see that you are taking their fears seriously, and encourages them to come to you with their worries as they get older. However, do not rely solely on talking through your child’s fears to resolve them. Your child’s critical thinking skills are still developing and while they may understand that the monsters aren’t real, that line between imagination and reality just isn’t strong enough yet for reassurances to fully resolve their fears.
Solutions:
Give your child an extra special “safety stuffy” to hold in the night if they get scared. Your child’s imagination is powerful at this age, and that can be used to your advantage! Gift your child the extra-special-safety-stuffy whose whole job is to keep them safe while they sleep
Turn spooky shadows into a game! - Sit with your child in their dark room and look at the shadows around the room together. Make a game of guessing what shadows actually have in them, or what is making a spooky outline on the wall and then turn the lights on to see if you were right. This helps your child learn to use this thought process when they see something scary when they’re in bed alone.
Give your child a flashlight so they can check spooky areas of the room for themself in the middle of the night, and to be used if they need to use the bathroom or get water if they wake up.
Try stringing up dimmable fairy lights around the border of your child’s ceiling to use as a nightlight. This provides a consistent, very soft light source that doesn’t create spooky shadows.
What about things that go bump in the night?
If your older child is afraid of sounds in the night, and is worried it may be intruders, take some time to show them the safety features of the home. Show them the deadbolts, the locks on all of the windows, and the security system if you have one.
Take turns with your child sitting in their room while the other moves around the house playing a “guess that sound” game where you make noises in different parts of the house and you have to guess what the sound is. Talk about how different things sound all throughout the house, and explain that when they hear sounds at night it’s likely you, other adults, or big kids walking around the house after they’ve gone to bed.
Talk about nighttime sounds and show your child where they come from. Go to the basement and look at the water heater. Talk about pipes in the walls, the radiators, look at where branches may hit windows or walls of the house at night, and be sure to talk about how noisy wind can be! If your child has mental pictures to associate with sounds, they are less likely to be frightened.
